A message from John Cleese....

[Gypsy-Rhiannon]

John Cleese – "genius"

A message from John Cleese, British comedian to the citizens of
the United States of America.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence
effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminum and nuclear and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing them.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour',
and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary' ).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour

.8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline) at roughly $6.00/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick-cut,
fried in animal fat and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

.10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth and see what it
did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
In the meantime don't try rugby, as the South Africans and Kiwis will
thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond the borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting
out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4pm with proper cups, with
saucers, never with mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season

[GoS]

Originally Posted by Gypsy-Rhiannon

John Cleese – "genius"
...(except Kansas, which she does not fancy) ... A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed ... The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour',
and 'neighbour' ... You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists ... You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad ... Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4pm with proper cups, with saucers, never with mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season

Thanks for the laugh. What about Rumours?

This is one of the best things that I have read in a while. I didn't stop laughing.

[Richard B]

Wow. That is so old. Funny, but old news.
Plus, it is not written by John Cleese.

[Erin]

As much as I love John Cleese, and as funny as this is, it wasn't actually written by him. It's an urban legend. But it's still great!

http://urbanlegends.about.com/librar...ion_cleese.htm

[Gypsy-Rhiannon]

Oh ok. Well I don't care who wrote it. I found it funny!

[MacMan]

Originally Posted by Gypsy-Rhiannon

Oh ok. Well I don't care who wrote it. I found it funny!

Doesn't matter who wrote it.... That was great!!! All the while reading, I could totally envision and here John Cleese saying this..... Hilarious! Thanks Pip!

[rubytuesday]

haha that aluminum one always bugged me. It's ALUMINIUM.

America beer does taste like water.

Rugby all the way! Those american footballers wouldn't stand a chance the way they stop and dress head to toe in padding. Australia, New Zealand and South Africa with their no helmets, no padding and might would crush those guys. They call it the game they play in heaven. I think an american football team would be scared off the field just at the sight of the haka!

This bit was funniest: "'A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed."

[Richard B]

It absolutely matters who wrote it.

[Gypsy-Rhiannon]

Originally Posted by Richard B

It absolutely matters who wrote it.

It doesn't to me. I only posted it because I thought it was funny

[Richard B]

Originally Posted by Gypsy-Rhiannon

It doesn't to me. I only posted it because I thought it was funny

It is funny and I do not mean to come off as a ****e head.
It's just when something is widespread in written form, I do believe the true writer should be credited. Maybe I know too many writers.

[MacMan]

Originally Posted by Richard B

It is funny and I do not mean to come off as a ****e head.
It's just when something is widespread in written form, I do believe the true writer should be credited. Maybe I know too many writers.

So then who wrote it?

[Hawkeye]

I worte this. I'm sure funny!

[Richard B]

Originally Posted by MacMan

So then who wrote it?

Please read the earlier post by Erin. Everything will be revealed.

Originally Posted by Hawkeye

I worte this. I'm sure funny!

Your spelling is the only thing funny.

[SortaSavageLike]

Originally Posted by Hawkeye

I worte this. I'm sure funny!

NO! I'M WROTEACUS!!!

[Steviefan49]

Originally Posted by Gypsy-Rhiannon

John Cleese – "genius"

A message from John Cleese, British comedian to the citizens of
the United States of America.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence
effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminum and nuclear and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing them.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour',
and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary' ).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour

.8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline) at roughly $6.00/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick-cut,
fried in animal fat and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

.10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth and see what it
did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
In the meantime don't try rugby, as the South Africans and Kiwis will
thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond the borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting
out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4pm with proper cups, with
saucers, never with mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season

Hey Pip...

I'm ALL for #16, as we have our McVities biscuits ready! Unfortunately, I'm hooked on them now, and can't seem to have a cup of tea without them! This is hilarious Pip! Thanks SO much for sharing it with us!~

Hugs,

Arlene