Quote:
Originally Posted by estranged4life
the 4th time hopefully can be a charm, just was released from a facility for my severe depression, it started to affect my work (Mars Petcare US is my employer) as well as my life - but having such a great employer behind me I will overcome this issue that keeps hanging itself upon my head....
Btw, ever walked into a room in your home after being away and see an avalanche of cd's upon the floor? My cats knocked my bootleg racks over spilling probably 2000-3000 cd's across the floor - not a good site for me, especially because the last time this happened it took me about 12 hours nonstop to reorganize the mess, LOL!
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My name is Jim. I am not sure you are the Brian I am thinking about or not but, to me, it doesn't matter...
I wish I could make you a soul solid promise...or an iron clad guarantee that these events will never happen again. My friend and I laugh all the time when we can. Once we were at an event, people were taking pictures and I kind of ventriloquist whispered, "...sometimes I wonder if it was do this part by myself that forced me to leave it all...and enter that, CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED NUTHOUSE for 9999999999 times" I wasn't trying to be funny but, given where we were I mixed up words...and to this day we laugh.
Stevie said it best...loneliness is hard to take...I can feel lonely in a room full of loved ones and well wishers. Until, I created a rule. 33 hrs of misery, bed, tears etc....then I force myself to feel my blessings...call my funniest friend, talk to Mum...my shrink is a great rock. When I escaped LA the first time I met him. That was 17 years ago. So, he was given to me...and the whole science of pill buffets sucked. Clozoril broke the wild fast speedy sadness....the whole weight think sucked...but, here I am...back in good health, moody, working in entertainment with my best sober friend....I have this second writing this...who knows if I step off this high bed, where my legs are all twisted kind of sitting on them...one leg goes sound asleep, I put it to the floor and my head smashes into the big old house style steam radiators....and my time here is over...I will go on....but, that time is not on my terms...I pull the Catholic guilt on myself...hmmm....my Mums life will suck, Nana didn't raise me like this....my Tommy, finally my soulmate love would be alone....etc....I can't do that. So, even when I am sad...like they say in AA, NA, Nana's A....I forgot to mention I was also a total addict/alcoholic...and Nana said the same things differently, A-A...Fake it till you make it. Nana Mac, Jimmy, when you get sad in life and you can't stop it right away...rest for a few days...Then push yourself...even if you can't take the first try, wear Polaroids if you have to so no one sees and you don't have to look at them anyway...paint a smile and PUSH...finally you see that you're in the swing...making us all laugh...and you laugh too....and eventually you don't need to PUSH.
Still in therapy once a week...he's just a 900 dollar wailing wall but, I take Neurontin 2x a day Am …Pm, Methylphenidate (which I always forget however its weird...it keeps me calm) and if needed some blue pill for sleep...also, taken rarely.
So, Brian...Ledges...World....I keep no secrets. I Love, love and love.
I pray your sad turns to humor, sobs to laughs, tears to smiles....and that you find in yourself all of us.
You're loved and valued....we will keep you going when you just can't.
My heart,
Jim
Peace